Ice Cold Takes is a weekly NHL humor column. Hopefully this Valentine’s day doesn’t hit you like a skate to the chest.

Hard not to kick off this week’s NHL column without talking about the latest from Zack Kassian. On Thursday night, Kassian made the mistake of kicking a Tampa Bay Lightning player in the chest, blade first.

Yeah, blade first. When asked about the kick, Kassian responded by saying “If I kicked him hard, I think he would have flew back or the ref would have called a penalty.” Or, you know, you could have missed a little high and caught his neck. Here is the clip in question:

Reactionary or not, Kassian is going to be kicking himself while sitting out a few games after his in-person hearing with the Department of Player Safety.

He was just trying to get him off of them, right? Maybe Marty McSorely was just trying to let Donald Brashear know he respected him with a little stick tap. Todd Bertuzzi was actually trying to hug Steve Moore. Ron Artest didn’t punch that fan, there was a fly on his face! (Yeah alright, we’re going too far now).

In light of this move, we’re going to kick off (nice) a new Ice Cold Takes segment called “What the f**k, Zack?”

What the f**k, Zack?

What the f**k, Zack? 

Chara’s cross check

Sticking with the trend of the NHL’s Department of Player Safety, Zdeno Chara popped up on their radar on Wednesday evening when he gave Brendan Gallagher an early Valentine’s day love tap.

The cross check earned big Z a $5,000 fine, but it isn’t Chara’s fault he’s so tall! If he was a regular sized human this would have been nothing but a quick shot to the chest. Also, we need to take into account that he’s doing this to Brendan Gallagher, so the real question is, should we be awarding Chara $5,000 instead of fining him?

Going to take some heat from the Habs fans on that one so let me address them specifically before I get yelled at: Calmez-vous, esti. C’est une blage. J’espère que vous passes une bonne journée.

Brad Marchand

If I bought back any Canadiens fans with that statement, I just lost them by immediately talking about Brad Marchand. That said, this clip was far too impressive to leave off of this week’s NHL highlights.

Unbelievable. This set up one of David Pastrnak’s three goals this game, showing those annoying Washington Capitals fans that the race for the Rocket Richard trophy isn’t over yet.

The Bruins are back in business, winning five of their last six games as they hold onto the top spot in the league. The only team hotter they are at the moment are the Tampa Bay Lightning, who sit one point behind them. You’re crazy if you think we aren’t heading for another Bruins v. Leafs first round (I can’t wait).

Rivaling Gritty

The psychotic mascot of the Philadelphia Flyers put me in my place two weeks ago. After I called him out for being soft, he punched a teenager in the face. Unrelated incidents, of course, but I’m wishing I had that sort of pull today because Gritty needs to murder whatever the hell this is.

Nightmare fuel. This “mascot” needs to die, and we know Gritty isn’t above beating up a baby. Please, Gritty, let your inner Philly out on this thing before we ever see something like it near an NHL arena.

The Sedins

Vancouver honored Henrik and Daniel Sedin this week for their many incredible years with the Canucks franchise. Together, the twins combined for 2,111 NHL points. Henrik had 1,070 and Daniel had 1,041. Together, they are the highest scoring brothers in NHL hist… Wait, no. The second highest scoring brothers in NHL history.

Wayne Gretzky was insane. Speaking of elite goal scorers…

Lily from Hamilton

8-year-old Lily Putignano is on an all-time tear. She scored 20 goals in four games to lead her team to a gold medal this past weekend.

From the looks of it, we have an athlete here with McDavid’s speed and Crosby’s ability to lift the puck in tight spaces. Let’s get Lily fast-tracked to the Canadian national team, yeah? Congrats to Lily and her teammates on a gold medal!

Keep your head up.